Recently Ivy Societe sent out some journal prompts, and I couldn't help but muse on them...
What turns you on?
Secrets turn me on. My erotic engine is revved up by the flow of mystery and revelation between people. Confessions, clandestine encounters, naughtiness cunningly concealed…
Shared rhythms turn me on. Breathing in sync, moving together, syncopated thuds and cries, even flowing strokes on undulating or pulsating flesh.
Slowness turns me on. Lingering in the stoking of arousal, things unfolding unhurriedly as the nature of the connection is teased out. Every inch, every drip of sweat, savouring each taste, smell and touch. The slow present moments that punctuate a passionate fuck.
Trust turns me on. Holding someone in surrender. Being taken to a destination unknown. How generosity and gratitude grow with it as new depths of pleasure are plumbed.
What genre of music or particular songs set the mood?
Anything I can flow to and makes me feel a bit oooozy. Jazz is great if I’m feeling romantic, ambient chill if I want to curate a super downregulated easygoing experience. Lo-fi hip hop generates low key raunch – slow and saucy gyrations. I’m also quite partial to a bit of RnB and old soul, but this risks me breaking into song during sex.
I also really love spending time exchanging tracks that are close to our hearts – that link to stories. It’s a fast track to connection.
What non-physical attributes do you find appealing in clients?
I love clients with a bit of cheekiness, who make naff jokes and don’t take themselves too seriously.
Clients with niche interests they like sharing about are particularly close to my heart (especially when they result in me being the recipient of beautifully crafted objects of affection).
It sort of goes without saying, but I’ll do it anyway. The most fundamentally attractive attributes are a respect for the parameters of the client-provider relationship, a willingness to engage in direct and honest communication and self responsibility around emotions. In combination they support trust and allow me to bring more of myself into the relationship, in turn allowing us to go into vulnerable spaces and transcendent states together.
How do you explore new turn-ons or fantasies in a safe and consensual way?
Start slow! Fantasise about it extensively, then talk about it, then dirty talk about it. If that feels good and safe, start introducing elements of the turn on into play. Keep communicating and checking in to make sure all parties are operating from a place of willingness.
Play is the key word. Allow for things to feel a little awkward, clunky and imperfect – new things often do, and the ability to giggle, dust yourself off and have another go is super super hot. Framing erotic experiences as “play” rather than “scenes” can take the pressure off achieving particular outcomes, allow for more improvisation and reduce the possibility of disappointment, which is also great when exploring new things.
How do you think booking escorts has influenced how people discover and communicate their turn-ons?
Entering into discussions with an escort about co-creating an erotic experience requires someone to reflect on what they are really looking for. Are there specific activities that feel important, an emotion they’re looking to feel, a part of themselves they want the opportunity to express?
The transactional and anonymous aspect of initiating the relationship can actually create safety. Escorts respond professionally and kindly to all manner of fantasies and requests (as long as their professionalism is respected). Compared to “civvie” sexual negotiations where partners might react with shock or feel pressured to cater to desires to preserve a relationship (despite being uncomfortable with doing so), discussing your turn ons in the process of booking an escort has way less relational and emotional risk, and is therefore a great space to practise in!
Do you think media (movies, books, etc.) has influenced your perceptions of turn-ons and attraction?
I don’t think anyone is immune from the cultural messaging around turn-ons and attraction that are embedded in popular media. There is so much value in surfacing these messages and assessing whether they align with your own experiences and values.
Sex work has really supported my own dismantling of the idea that instant attraction is a necessary ingredient for good sex. Attraction itself can feel really spicy and delicious, but unless it’s accompanied by quality of presence, touch skills and good communication, the sex can end up being lacklustre.
I find I end up talking A LOT with clients about conversations about sex. Whether before, during or after, these are rarely shown in popular media. Most often folks just tumble into bed, make out, moan and do some kind of penetrative act, until they perform simultaneous climaxes. In real life, I think a lot of people find that sex that proceeds like this can be just as performative as what they’ve seen on screen. I love giving clients an opportunity to do it differently.
It takes intention to learn a different way of doing things. It takes prioritising the quality of connection and communication over raw instant attraction and investing in upskilling in touch and communication. But, this puts you in the driver’s seat – you can create hot experiences that centre yours and other people’s turnons, rather than going through life hoping to stumble into one.